Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Swimsuits and the Thirty-Something Mom

I am having a terrible time finding a swimsuit for our upcoming trips.

I fall somewhere between Exhibit A - the full-on MomSuit, and Exhibit B, The Bikini.

Exhibit A
Exhibit B
I *could* technically wear a bikini -  my children were gracious enough to leave me sans stretch marks - but I just bought my daughter the itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini (Exhibit C) - and furthermore, I no longer lounge at the pool or the beach with a cocktail and People magazine - I've got either a baby in my arms pulling at my straps or a boy jumping off my shoulders. I'm either playing Marco Polo or building sandcastles. And thank God - there is nothing that makes me happier than spending time with the kids at the beach or the pool. However, I need a swimsuit that will stay on/in place, but also something that will let me earn some well-deserved sunshine. I'm just not ready for the Momsuit (nor the TANKini - Ugh) and yet, I'm not teeny-weeny bikini material, either.
Swimsuit designers - are you listening?

Finally, let's face it - I'm formerly hot. Whereas once looked forward to swimsuit shopping season, where shopping for swimwear was actually fun - I now find it only challenging.

Are you formerly hot, too? I pulled this questionnaire from one of my favorite blogs, http://www.formerlyhot.com/, Dispatches from Just the Other Side of Young, written by Stephanie Dolgoff. She recently wrote a book, too, My Formerly Hot Life, which is on my to-read list.

You Know You're a Formerly When...

1. You've even once pulled the skin of your face back and slightly up to see what you’d look like with a facelift

2. High school kids are now wearing what you wore in high school.

3. You count calories in mixed drinks.

4. Your ass is starting to need a bra.

5. You suddenly prefer interior design magazines to fashion magazines.

6. A supermodel could give you one of her kidneys and you would still kind of hate her.

7. Whereas you used to be grossed out by obscene catcalls, you are now relieved first, grossed out second.

8. You have a doctor devoted to a single part or function of your body (your patella, your endocrine system) other than your vagina.

9. There’s a decent chance that the doctor is younger than you.

10. You need to pre-caffeinate before meeting someone for a morning coffee.

11. Your adolescent nieces and nephews are starting to regard you as a potential narc.

12. You let your mother friend you on Facebook because you have that little to hide.

13. Besides, moms is cooler than you ever gave her credit for

14. Conversations about mortgages and 401Ks, while not exactly interesting, are no longer stultifying.

15. You have heard of Death Cab for Cutie, but couldn’t ID their songs on threat of waterboarding.

16. You freeze bread. Like there won't be another loaf at the store when you need one

17. You still think “hook up” means “let's meet up for a drink”

18. You have been ma’amed outside the Deep South

19. You can't fathom why they would remake such classics as Fame and Melrose Place

20. Cosmetic surgery that you once considered deeply anti-woman is now “a woman's personal decision.”

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  1. Hilarious! Thanks for this. Needed something fun to pick me up this morning.
    I'm not sure I fit formerly hot - I think my bikini body peaked around 25 (was a full-time athlete back then) - but I agree with the sentiments. I'm not up for the string bikini anymore but everything else looks so old lady-ish.
    And I too have, so far, evaded the stomach stretch marks from pregnancy. I even feel some guilt about it when others lament theirs. But I got my share on others areas as a teenager.

  2. Loved this, Amy! Mostly because I make it in the "thirty something mom" category by the skin of my teeth. But also headed to FL in 10 days. Have spent the last 6 months scouring websites & catalogs for the perfect new bathing suit & have come up with nothing...